I have a rather complex bedtime routine. Every wonder how it can take some people over an hour just to get into bed? It’s easy:

* Spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to unplug from the computer
* Turn on heater and air cleaner in bedroom
* Take looooong shower - yes, I always shower at night and I’m apparently unable to take one for any less than 20 minutes
* Get dressed, brush teeth, stare at every loathsome little wrinkle and bump on face, start swallowing the long line of IC meds
* Check on twins
* Go upstairs and heat one or two heating pads in microwave*
* While heating, do a few quickie yoga poses
* Take hot pads downstairs to bed and arrange pillows, block irritating little LED light on air cleaner with a scrunchie or something, turn clock to the wall, fire up ipod and set to 15 minute timer with pillow speaker** and this music
* Notice that feet are cold and go back upstairs for some effing socks
* Reset ipod again, lie down with heating pads under back
* Try to relax and go to sleep
* Remember that heater is still on and husband will wake up sweaty and pissed at 2am if you don’t turn it off
* Turn off heater, and accidentally brush the blackout curtains off the sticky-tape on the wall
* Restick curtains to wall
* Lie down again, reset ipod, try to relax and go to sleep
* Notice husband wheezing a little. Jam earplugs in ears
* Earplugs don’t work. Shove husband, who turns over and stops snoring
* Notice husband’s clock says it’s getting really late
* Hear a twin whine down the hall — nightmare? Has to go pee? Just rolling over? It’s anybody’s guess
* Think about all the things I need to do tomorrow
* Look at his clock again

And then I’ll notice that my heart is beating really fast and I don’t feel the least bit sleepy and begin the decent into sleepless hell, and the more I try not to fret the worse it gets. And that is why I end up resorting to the medicine cabinet three or four times a week, and that is why I began seeing a hypnotist.

I went with a guy straight out of the phone book. He turned out to be just the kind of guy I was looking for–into the psychology of hypnosis rather than the ‘past life’ bullshit I wanted to avoid. The first session went really well, actually a little too well. We spent the first half of the session going over a little of my history, and the second half practicing actual hypnosis. I thought I was failing miserably but at some point I noticed that that little point between my eyes felt kind of interesting and I felt really calm. Then I knew I was under…and I didn’t care. It was kind of like a bong hit, only my lungs didn’t hurt. Everything was just groovy! Far out!

In case you’re wondering, hypnosis is not the kind of thing where you can be turned into a zombie or a murderer. It can’t make you cross moral boundaries (errr, if you have them, and most people do). So I wasn’t really afraid of the whole process, nor was I afraid the guy was going to have me start writing $5,000 checks or something. I figured it would be similar to the states I have put myself into during my more exceptional yoga classes.

Interestingly, the guy couldn’t bring me out of hypnosis. He tried several times and finally just gave up. I was so out of it I couldn’t even find my way out of his house, which he noted with mild amusement: “You don’t really know where you’re going, do you?” I laughed and said no. I felt a little silly but so relaxed I mostly didn’t care. He walked me out to my car, and since I was going to be driving home basically stoned, left me with the (hypnotic!) message that I was going to be fine and capable of driving. I got home okay.

Later I converted the tape he made for me onto my ipod, and it worked great for a few days. Now that two weeks have gone by I feel like a lot of his work has worn off. I don’t feel like I can save myself anymore. I wish I did; it’s pretty sad when you have more faith in a green pill than yourself. So he suggested I A) stop beating myself up so much, and B) practice working myself up into one of my little panic states and try going right into hypnosis and getting myself out of it. We tried that today and I had very little luck bringing on the panic and even less luck going into hypnosis.

That lack of faith in myself, and the fact that I was almost moved to tears briefly talking about my childhood and marriage, compels me to think perhaps I’m not really finished with psychologists. As I thought about all this when I was driving away, I saw that the car in front of me had a license plate frame that said “The longest journey is the journey inward.”***

* Spend a lot of time on the computer and this is what happens to your back.
** By the way, here’s how to make a ghetto version of that pillow speaker–worth it to save $6? Dunno.
*** Definition of synchronicity